I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Why am I like this?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!