My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…