My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
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My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Accurate
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?