A friend helps you before you need it
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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
SPLOOT
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.