my first dose meeting my second
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.