If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep