*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The game has officially changed 😎
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo