Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
LOL!
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”