son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I want this so bad
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.