WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.