[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet