Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Mornin
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
buys donuts instead
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city