“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
You Might Also Like
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
me: technically, they鈥檙e magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
What鈥檚 this sorcery? 馃槀
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
How鈥檚 homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 馃拃
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Let鈥檚 get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won鈥檛 stop screaming at us.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn鈥檛 respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9鈥檚 plate to catch the crumbs so they don鈥檛 go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he鈥檚 faulty and would like a refund
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else