After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people