“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?