Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.