COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!