Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hank is one in a melon.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Happy weekend !
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack