I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression