Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
i choose….tongue
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls