When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
mathematically impossible
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth