Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Happy Taco Tuesday
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
May never get over this
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.