Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I’m putting together a team
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent