Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.