[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
“You’d better run, egg!”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.