[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
You Might Also Like
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.