Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy