Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Cha-ching is my safe word
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”