Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
the saddest jazz hands ever
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall