I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though