Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.