I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat