My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Two types of dogs.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.