When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You Might Also Like
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard