What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people