First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
In banana years, I am bread.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.