Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Twitter fine art
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.