Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy