Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
me as a parent
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what