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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My Sentiments Exactly
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.