My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Fiction has to make sense.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant