I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place