50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
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If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
this is the greatest thing ever
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.