Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore