“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Guy who likes music
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
He a real one for that
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?