it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
my sentiments exactly
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?