Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Teach your children to beatbox
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.