I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Bill is short for Billiam
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.