My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!