Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
translated into Canadian
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.